I’ve been running an audit of my life. Not thoroughly but enough to notice a few things. My thoughts are mainly negative and I think about past traumas pretty much every day. On top of that, my approach to things is very unhealthy. I tend to be extreme regarding the things I want to change about me or achieve. For exemple, I am currently not working as an actress nor am I taking any dance classes or specific training regarding my career. Yet I keep thinking that I should really work out, that my body is never going to be good enough and I will never move up the ladder of life if I keep indulging in junk food. On the other hand I do involve in junk food because the stress of going on another diet, of being restrective to the extreme is freezing me up in place and since I don’t smoke, drink or do any drugs, well, I turn to food (I also have a very long history of ED).
All of this have me feeling old and profoudly discouraged. A part of me is trying to figure out how to heal, and the other one is carrying my 13 years old demons. Plus I keep stressing out about not having enough money to move back to London, yet everything I try to do here fails and I am terrified of being stuck in this damn country for another winter. I know that I will not be able to live through it, litteraly. The only thing I’m waiting for at this point of my life is for it to end so I can be done with the crap.
Yet I can’t help but to have this 0,0001% of me thinking that maybe there could be more to life than just pain and struggle. Who knows…
